I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.