“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Room with a view.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Why I divorced her.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.