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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Labreador