Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
stand with me against insufficient seating
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.