[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
So true for me
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
i did the math
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”