I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
me as a parent
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry