Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Rather alarming headline…
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off