oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman