Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.