Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.