Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.