I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I love the National Park Service.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth