*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.