Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.