I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
hi why am I like this
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.