You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
guys i’ve cracked the code
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn