Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.