My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
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[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.