Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters