doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Cucumbers Anonymous
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.