[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
pep talk
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.