I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.