THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Note to self: I am a note
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.