*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
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I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.