3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas