her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing