I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.