I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
hi why am I like this