Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot