I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Black Friday “markdowns” like
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.