The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I’ve been learning to cook.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
#DesignFail
My life coach traded me.
you gotta be faster
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician