[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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OH. COME. ON.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”