When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Legend 🤣🤣
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.