Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.