If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?