Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking