And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁