Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Always a housemaid, never a house.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Worth the read.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.