“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You Might Also Like
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
How about daylight saves us for once
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later