DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My background check bounced.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.