Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”