[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
this is uni
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.