Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.