Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Fight
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.