I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.