Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I thought this was funny lol
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?