Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: