My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from