Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You Might Also Like
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me as a parent
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling