I like crazy people until they notice me
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.